Stigma and Guilt
by zero degreez
Summary: Set shorty before Advent Children. Cloud struggles with his guilt. Oneshot.


It was the dead of night, all was quiet and dark. Very dark. The only light coming from inside the old church was a candle, who's fire cast dancing shadows on the walls and benches. The bed of yellow and white flowers, looking very out of place in the and grey church, were mournful as if the church was home to a funeral.

It was apparent someone was living here. There were two chests. One open, containing clothes, bandages, food, books and more candles. The other was closed, save for a small crack through which came a slight glow.

Indeed, someone lived here. Slumped against the wall nearest the chests was Cloud Strife. He had spikey blonde hair, and was dressed in dark clothing. Bloody bandages were cast off to his side, and a rolled back sleeve revealed hideous scars which he now rubbed with a silvery liquid.

His whole body cringed as he cleaned off the liquid with water and patted it dry with a cloth. For the first time in minutes he raised his head, looked around the church, and fixed his eyes upon a folder lying next to the open chest. The folder's cover read "SHINRA PROFILE- CLOUD STRIFE" in large black letters.

Cloud continued to gaze woefully at the folder until he was jolted back to reality by a ringin cell phone. A message began to play by itself:

"Cloud Strife?" Said a female voice, "I hear your delivery service is the best on the Planet. I spoke with Tifa Lockhart, usually she'd take the orders for you but she told me to talk to you directly."

At the mention of Tifa, Cloud's head lowered as guilt rushed through his body.

"Anyway, I have a couple barrels of wine that I wish to be delivered to my son in Junon. I live in Edge, so you'll have to come to my place first. It might take you a few trips to get it all over there, but if it's true that you're an ex-SOLDIER, then it shouldn't be a problem."

A computer generated voice from the cell phone signalled the end of the message.

"Ex-SOLDIER, huh?" said Cloud dolefully. "Only in my head."

For so long he thought he really was in SOLDIER., until two years ago he found the hurtful truth. He was never in SOLDIER, and pretended to be only so that he could live the life of a departed friend. It also made him feel better if people around him thought he really had made it...instead of failing.

Now that failure had come rushing back with him, along with a tremendous amount of guilt. His many sins were like weights on his shoulders. Never would he forget how his friends died, and how he couldn't protect them. Then, he came down with Geostigma. There was no cure for it. All who had it died because of it. He knew how hard Tifa worked to make everything work; the business and the family. He knew how Tifa spent hours trying to take care of Barret's daughter, Marlene and Denzel, an orphan who also had the stigma.

He liked Tifa very much, and knew she felt just as much about him. He couldn't bear to see her if she found out that he was going to die soon. Besides, she had enough on her plate as it is. He didn't need to be anothe burden.

All Cloud could do was run away from it all. He hadn't talked to Tifa, or any of of his friends, for days. She still left messages telling him of his jobs, each time ending with "Please, Cloud, come home." or "I hope you're alright."

Tifa was only half the reason he ran away. There was still Aeris, Zack and his mother... He had failed to protect them all. His sins of the past overcame him every day. He couldn't live the role as a father to Denzel and Marlene if he still lived in the past.

That's why he came to the church. That's why he was there now. He felt as though by staying there long enough, he could find a way to apologize to Aeris. He didn't know exactly what happens when people die, and wanted to make sure she knew how sorry he was. How sorry he was that he watched as Sephiroth ended her life with one thrust of a sword.

He felt the same for Zack, too. He'd been too weak to help him fight. _He was killed because he was protecting me. He was killed because I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself._

He knew that Aeris and Zack were still out there. He knew they weren't gone forever. He knew that there had to be a way to speak with them, to tell them his feelings. Because he knew that, until then, he won't be able to get out of his past.

"A bright future! A happy future!" rang the voice of Cait Sith inside his head. It made him laugh bitterly at his own misfortune.

_If I can't get out of the past, I'll never have a bright, happy future._


End file.
